Loneliness

The emotion that plaques me most in life is loneliness.  I allow my self to become so self centered that I  really believe there is not another person on this earth that could understand where I am right now.  At times it is paralyzing to the point that I can’t even pick up the phone to call someone and ask for help or even attend any socializing events.  When I do see people, I put on this fake smile and air that everything is OK!  I hide behind my sunglasses and cry in the car when I am alone.  Why can’t I let my friends know that I am having that kind of day?  Why can’t I let them know that I doubt everything I am doing as a wife and mother?  Why I am so afraid to let someone into my vulnerable moment?

I don’t know why I allow myself to get to this place because EVERY TIME I do open up, I am always met with a YOU TOO?  Then that huge release comes and the loneliness disappears and my life seems so much easier to manage.  When I reflect back, nothing has really changed (my life is still demanding and hard), but when you know you aren’t alone everything seems so much better.

Last November and December were lonely months for me.  I limped through Christmas and New Years feeling very alone.  When January hit, I made a resolution to reach out and be real with my friends.  I knew one friend was having a rough time and we have NEVER been alone together without our children.  I reached out and planned a dinner for us.  It took us 8 text messages back and forth to find a day and time that worked.  This last week we had dinner and talked.  Can I tell you how much lighter I feel?  Can I tell you how much lighter she feels?  Our lives didn’t change over dinner, but knowing we had someone has made all the difference.  What took us so long? We’ve known each other for 6  years!

I know what has taken us so long, we have allowed the devil to keep us isolated.  We have allowed the devil to speak to us and tell us that  “no one cares, you are the only one, and you are really bad at what you do.” We allowed him to speak until we believed it.  I KNOW there are so many women out there that feel alone and are starting to believe the voices in their head.  STOP!!!  REACH OUT!!

Just recently I was fortunate to hear Matthew Kelly speak at a local parish.  He challenged all in the church that night to choose a “game changing” decision for their faith.  One of his suggestions was to keep a mass journal.  The challenge was to listen at mass and seek what God wanted to tell you.  When you heard it, you were to write it down in your journal to keep.  I want to share what God told me at my first mass when I listened.  The message was “you aren’t alone, I am here!  When you walked into church and blessed yourself with water, I was there to remind you of your baptism.  Remember, I called you, and you are mine.  I am present in the Eucharist to give you life.  I am real.  You can use the water, bread and wine to feel me in a very physical way.  As you hold the hand of your brethren when you pray the Our Father  I am there.  Look into their eyes when you give the kiss the peace, I am there too.  Go into the hall after mass, sit have coffee, eat donuts and enjoy one another, I am there”.  I think I cried through out the mass that day.  For once going to church felt like ONE BIG GIANT HUG from God.  I knew I wasn’t alone.  I need to listen “to the voice of truth”.  I am so thankful to be Catholic, to have the mass and especially the Eucharist!

Recently one of the moms from my homeschooling group had the brilliant idea to see who wanted to join an accountability group.  I didn’t even know the mom who sent the email.  I jumped at the chance to join.  This Sunday was our first email of accountability sharing our goals for the week.  I have been blessed with reading everyone’s goals.  Nope!!  I am not alone in this world!!  I am on the same path as everyone else.  Time to stop looking down at my feet (or are those God’s feet) and look up to see all the amazing people who are on the journey with me.

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